A Road Map To Dating After Your Divorce
Navigating dating after a divorce and healing after a divorce is incredibly difficult. There is so much advice out there about knowing when you should be ready, books on how to cope with your marriage ending. Plus, people in your life constantly bombarding you with personal questions about when you’re going to start dating again. It’s exhausting and oftentimes overwhelming.
Dating is challenging and understanding who you are without your partner is a journey
It’s hard getting back in the game after your marriage. You became so comfortable with your partner that you didn’t have to think about what outfit to wear. Or, if he was going to call or when you’d see him again. Dating feels like uncharted territory these days, especially with the online world. Dating apps complicate everything, Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, Match, and so on. It can be a hit to miss. Plus, it can be nerve-wracking, intimidating, isolating, and can shake your confidence down but you will get past this unknown and vulnerable part.
For starters, a big step to healing from your divorce in Orange County, Los Angeles County, and Long Beach, CA is by working on yourself and rebuilding a strong sense of self. Before you even start dating again you have to rediscover who you are. Focus on what YOU actually like and your interests. Especially, now that you’re no longer compromising and doing things with someone else in mind.
Divorce Recovery is Challenging, Where do I begin to Rediscover Myself?
Knowing who you are and rediscovering old hobbies or creating new ones is a great start to finding balance again in your new life. Realize what aspects of your life are important to you now that you’re on your own that may not have been a priority before and don’t let go of those things the next time around. Having these things are important to fill up your own life so that you’re not dependent on your future partner to fulfill those needs. You will have something that’s yours, and we all need that.
The Work From Healing from a Divorce Also Begins Within
You also have to work on yourself internally. In fact, you need to introspect into the reasons your marriage didn’t work out. And, it’s important to not only focus on your previous partner’s part in the marriage ending, but also on yours. Really look at things in an honest manner, the relationship ended so you have nothing to hide anymore. Recognize how communication was broken, as well as, boundaries. Notice what you liked and didn’t like. Look at it in ways you ignored, made excuses for, or suppressed before. It’s important to see how you still need to grow into who you want to be and to discover what you want in future relationships to come.
Understand What You Need in A New Relationship
Knowing what you are clearly looking for in a partner is a solid starting point before jumping back into dating. A helpful way to do this is to create a list of wants and needs. Wants are things that you can be flexible on but needs are what you are not willing to compromise on anymore. Knowing that our past relationships are lessons for our future ones keeps us from continuously feeling resentment, anger, and fear towards those we date in the future. Really put thought and time into your needs and wants lists, and no longer compromise on the needs with future relationships.
When you’re going through divorce recovery, your heart feels like it’s missing a piece. Through the healing and coping process, the gaping hole in your heart will slowly get smaller over time. When you’ve worked on filling that piece of your heart on your own with your growth, new knowledge, hobbies, and strength you’ve gained. Then, you can look for a partner that may fit in line with what you want in the future.
Remember, that old wounds should not inform your new relationships
When you feel whole enough on your own and decide it’s the right time for you to start dating again, be sure never to compare the new person you’re dating to your ex. We never like to be compared or judged by our previous partner’s mistakes and their previous relationship issues, so we need to ensure we don’t do the same.
This time around we should be able to recognize “yellow flags” or “red flags” that may alert us to possible patterns we may have in the people we’re attracted to. It’s important to recognize these habits and be aware of them to stop you from going down the same path again. It might be hard at first but it will save you a lot of heartache in the future.
Take this process at your own pace, don’t feel inclined to rush in
Bringing up your divorce with a new partner can be difficult but don’t allow it to consume you. Tell someone when you feel comfortable and you feel like you’re moving in a positive direction. It’s important to keep in mind that being divorced is not a label of shame in any way, but how you share your divorce story tells a lot about you, like where you are in the healing process. Sometimes it’s easy to let out too much information too early and it can be overwhelming to a casual date or someone you just met.
Tips for Talking About Your Past Relationships
Practice having the conversation
It’s important to notice how you speak about your previous relationship, which goes hand-in-hand with comparing your new partner to your ex. Practice how you will explain it prior to going on dates and when the subject of previous relationships comes up, it will come pretty naturally to you.
Be aware of the way you re-tell the story
If you feel yourself hesitating to talk about it, notice and ask yourself why. Choose the best words to explain your marriage history and notice how you do speak about your previous relationship. Be wary of ex-bashing and telling your war stories of how your ex betrayed you or your blaming of just them in the reason for your marriage ending.
Remember, this is not an area you should feel ashamed of
Being divorced is not a story of shame. It is your story and it has been a lesson to bring you to where you are now. Navigating dating after divorce can be hard at first but you will figure it out with your own methods. It’s also important to keep in mind that healing is not a linear path. There will be highs and lows throughout the healing process, but you will learn how to fill your own heart.
Get Support with Divorce Recovery in Long Beach, Orange County, or Los Angeles County, CA!
If you’ve exhausted a bunch of different options and you’re still struggling, which is totally normal, seeking professional help from an online therapist in California is always an option to helping you get back on your feet and exploring this new world on your own. There’s always a way and believe it or not, it will get better in time.
Begin Counseling For Divorce Recovery, Therapy For Breakups, Or Separation In Long Beach, CA, Orange County, CA, And Los Angeles County, CA Today!
Divorce is not your story, it is a lesson that you can move forward from. If you’re experiencing shame, guilt, or are struggling to find yourself again, begin counseling for divorce recovery. At Healing Generations Counseling, you will work with an understanding therapist who specializes in therapy for life transitions, relationships, family issues, and divorce recovery. To get started, schedule your free consultation, or contact me by following these simple steps to begin counseling:
Meet with me! Connie Hsu, your understanding therapist
Start healing from divorce and rediscovering yourself!
Other Mental Health Services at Healing Generations Counseling
Counseling for divorce, therapy for breakups, and separation is not the only service I offer in my in-office and online Long Beach, CA counseling practice. Other mental health services at Healing Generations Counseling include individual therapy, multicultural counseling/cross-cultural counseling, marriage counseling and couples therapy, family therapy, PTSD treatment and trauma therapy, therapy for teens, and EMDR therapy, and support groups for women, support groups for teens. All sessions are offered via online therapy in California, with limited in-person options. Begin therapy in Long Beach, CA, Orange County, CA, Los Angeles County, CA. When you’re ready to step back out there and find yourself again, I am here for you. Call soon!