Swipe Right for Love: A Therapist's Dos and Don'ts
You feel like you'll never find a relationship because all the great ones are already taken. You're surrounded by your friends, family, and peers all entering relationships, and you don't know how to get out of the single life. It makes you wonder, "Are my expectations too high?" or "Is there a Mr./Ms. Right out there for me?”
You turn to online dating and find yourself hesitant because of the feeling of shame and overwhelming fears from the true-crime culture. You've watched ID and know what people are capable of. At the same time, you don't want to cut yourself from the pool of great guys/gals who have been stigmatized due to your anxieties. However, how do you even do online dating? What's the protocol?
There is a Stigma With Online Dating
Yes, there is a stigma with online dating. People have a sense of "Ew, I've gone to online dating" and feel like they should be able to find someone the "old fashioned" way. It feels uncomfortable and intimidating. It can make you feel like you've hit the point of desperation. How can you sort out the strangers online looking for a hookup or sex, when you're looking for love?
You're Not Used to Using Technology For Dating, so How Do You Trust Someone on There?
You want to find a partner and a long-term relationship, but will this actually work? You probably even have practical questions in starting the online dating process like "How do I make my profile?", "How do I read their profile?", and "Do they really look like that?". These feelings, questions, and worries are all valid.
However, the stigmas associated with online dating can lead to even more worries. You don't want to be ostracized for using it, and yet you want to present yourself authentically and weed out the pack to find your person. This is why this blog is here to give you some tips and tricks to help you navigate through the world of online dating.
Show Real Photos of You
A picture shows and says a lot about you. From your personality to your interests, it’s important to show the best of you with real photos. Share photos that you feel great in, ones that make you happy, and reflect what you want someone to know about you. Pictures from when you feel the best about yourself. Include pictures of you doing activities or hobbies that you’re passionate about, like hiking, rock climbing or playing an instrument, or things that you are interested in, like sports teams, pets or traveling.
Take pictures of you and your pet(s). Your pictures can be used as a tool and asset to show your interests, quirkiness, and creativity. These are not just photos that you’re sharing to show what you physically look like. They tell a bigger story about you and your life so that a potential partner can get a glimpse into your world.
Don't Post Pictures that are Deceiving
Seeing people on dating sites with pictures of them when they were much younger or heavily filtered is starting off with deception just not okay. And bathroom selfies, selfies in cars with sunglasses, or just body pics without the face is a huge no-no. These photos don't tell anything about you, your personality, or your interests. And truth be told, they’re boring and the website is filled with other people’s profiles with the same photos in the same poses. This is a place where you can let yourself stand out from the crowd, and we are visual people, so use it to your advantage.
When you post pictures that are from years ago or that are heavily filtered, it's deceiving. You want someone to be attracted to you for who you are, not a heavily edited or outdated picture of yourself. You're beautiful the way you are and you want someone who will see that in your pictures. That's why pictures of your current self or at least within a year or two are better. Show off who you are now and be proud of it!
First Impressions Matter
You may have heard this before and it rings true, especially in the online dating world. First impressions matter and make a difference when you're trying to get to know someone. When it comes to your profile picture if you're looking for a long-term relationship, an overly sexualized photo isn't the best route. Unless you are wanting a sexual relationship by nature, you want to post something that shows you for who you are and what you're about.
This One is Simple, No Pictures with Other People or Your Ex.
No one knows who you are or who the other person is in the picture. It can make people scroll past because they can't tell who you are or it can make people think that you're still together with an old flame. It makes it seem that you are trying to advertise somebody else or that you're still in the relationship and not ready to move on.
Put Down Your Real Information
When you’re creating a profile, it’s important to be real. Put down your real age, your name, and what you look like in real life. Take this time to make this profile reflect who you are now and be proud of it. Be proud of what you like to do and want to be reflected in a potential partner. Imagine what honesty you want from looking at someone else’s profile, and do the same with yours.
Also, Be Specific!
Tell people more. Tell them what your ideal first date would be. From the music you like, the specific activities you would like to do to the food you would like to try, and so on. This is a great time for some introspection into what you are seeking and putting out in the universe. You want people to ask more questions about you. To be curious. You also want to find people who are like you or curious about you. Being specific gives potential partners a chance to connect with you on a deeper level and gives you the opportunity to show yourself off.
Don't Cut Your Age By 5-10 Years
You may think that lying about your age is okay because you look younger or it will give your profile a boost in attention, but in the long run, it can actually be a hindrance. Not to mention, you're already trying to start relationships by lying before you even get to the first date. Age is just a number. Plus, when you lie about your age, you miss out on the opportunity to connect with people who are your age or compatible with your age. Don't limit yourself and be honest about who you are. It can help you find someone that is the right fit for you.
Know What You Want
If you know you're interested in someone on the site, choose them and go for it! Start the conversation if you want to talk to them. Let them know who you are and that you’re interested in them. Take a proactive approach to this. It's not a waiting game. Online dating isn't a passive activity. The amount of effort- reaching out, liking pictures, having a conversation- is how much you get out of it. So, make the effort and go for what you want!
The dating site made profiles intractable for this very reason. You get to read profiles and get to like and interact with them. Think about what you want in a partner, when choosing who to contact with these profiles. If you start talking and they don't make the cut, it's okay. That’s the beauty of dating online, you get the opportunity to be interested in knowing more about potential partners and be discerning about who you choose to interact with.
Don't Be Afraid to Be Picky About Who You Want and Don't Settle For Less
You deserve someone who meets your expectations and likes you for who you are! Don't let anyone pressure or guilt you into settling. Know that you have the power to choose who you want, and it's your choice. When talking with a potential partner, explain what you want, and don't be afraid to stand firm in your decisions.
You can find someone who matches your wants and needs, you just have to keep looking. If your potential partner is not interested in what you're looking for, it's okay. Move on and keep searching, don't let anyone make you feel bad about your wants. Stay true to yourself and don't settle for anything less than you deserve!
Get It ProofRead
There are a few people that you trust that probably know you better than yourself. Find them and have them proofread your profile. This is the chance to get a different perspective and help you make it shine.
They can also help you be more specific about what they notice you have said in the past that you wanted in a partner. For example, you've always talked about how you dislike partners who are always glued to their phones. Your trusted loved one can help remind you of this and prompt you to put it in your profile.
Be Specific when Starting a Conversation
This is when curiosity and inquiry come into play. We’ve gotten generic messages or emails, that we know are copied and pasted to everyone. You're unique and you've got your own personality, this is a perfect time to be inquisitive about the person that sparked your interest. Copy and pasting a generic “Hi, saw your profile, how are you doing today?” is doing you a disservice in attracting a response. You won't get a lot of responses because there's no personal investment into what attracted them in the first place.
It's like a generic greeting. You wouldn't just say "Hi" to someone you're interested in and expect them to respond in a meaningful way. The same goes for a profile. If we all saw the same information on everyone’s profiles, it would become boring and no one would get real matches with each other. Personalize your profile and put time into making it about you. You are interesting and have experiences that others have not. Show that off!
Meet in Person Safely
When you've decided to meet in person, it's time to start planning that first date! Meet this person in a public location with people around. Let someone know where you're going, who you're meeting, and how long the date is expected to last.
It may seem like we are being overprotective, but it's always better to be safe than sorry. Also, know that it doesn’t have to be a long date, there are plenty of options that include going out for coffee, lunch, or just a drink, there are no expectations of staying on a date longer than you feel comfortable with. After all, this is just a first date, and you are just getting to know each other.
Don't Take It Personal
As you've started this journey of online dating, you have probably heard of or experienced ghosting. It's when someone suddenly stops responding to your messages or completely disappears after a certain point. This doesn't mean you've been rejected or a reflection that you've done something wrong. They may not be the match you were hoping for or the timing might not have been right. Or, they don’t want to respond due to their own circumstances outside the dating world. Whatever their reasons may be, take it in stride and move on. There are plenty of people out there that could be better for you.
This means when you find someone of interest, let them know that you are interested. Don't linger online for too long that you get so comfortable to make this an online relationship and take the next step. Get to know that person with the intention to decide if you want to meet them in person or not. You can go at your own pace and adhere to your own timeline but don't linger too long. Especially, if you are seeking an in-person relationship.
Online dating can be a great way to find love, but it does take time and effort. You just have to be proactive to make the most of it. Be honest, be yourself, and have your trusted people in your corner to help you navigate this journey. You are important and worthy of finding someone great. You got this!
Individual Therapy in Newport Beach, CA Can Help You in Your Journey
Online dating doesn't have to be the creepy experience true crime shows tell you about. In fact, it can be a fun, healthy, and even life-changing experience when done with honesty. That's why working with a therapist can be so beneficial. Therapy helps us find what has been holding us back and opens our eyes to the possibilities of having a positive relationship and partnership. A good therapist will help you navigate the online dating process and guide you through any negative thought patterns or anxieties that you may be feeling. Getting in touch with what you want in a partner and what you struggle with in your past relationships, helps you figure out what a healthy relationship looks like. To get started, schedule your free consultation, or to get started with counseling in Newport Beach, CA, follow these simple steps:
Learn More About Me! Connie Hsu, your online therapist
Begin Finding a Potential Partner!
Other Mental Health Services at Healing Generations Counseling
Besides navigating online dating, you may be interested in other mental health services that Healing Generations Counseling at my online and in-person therapy practice located in Long Beach, CA. Other mental health services at Healing Generations Counseling include individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, life transitions, divorce recovery, trauma therapy, therapy for teens, support groups for teens, support groups for women, and EMDR Therapy.
I am here to provide a safe and supportive space for you. Let me help put you on the path to understanding yourself and creating the connections you need. I also specialize in cross-cultural issues and offer blended family sessions, parent-child conflict counseling, and counseling for sibling rivalry. Together we will explore the negative emotions you may have been feeling and identify ways to manage them. Contact Healing Generations Counseling in Long Beach, CA, Orange County, CA, or Los Angeles County, CA to get started. You can also find relief and support through online therapy anywhere in California.